This Means War

Wake at 9am after night spent dreaming rather explicitly homoerotic dreams. Self often dreams such dreams, but dreams typically feature hardbodies such as Ryan Reynolds, Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson (who count as fair game), rather than real life people self has met and interacted with. Self therefore requiring strong dose of man-who-likes-womaness to avoid spiral into massive lifestyle sidestep that would give self’s father cardiac injury. This Means War has guns and woman and word war on poster. Self punches wall and pours tankard of bear blood as self read in academic heterosexual man journal Zoo Magazine that such rituals make man more heterosexual.  Continue reading

Posted in *, 2012 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

High Fidelity

Self’s desert island, all-time, top five most memorable wake-ups, in chronological order are as follows:

  1. Tearlessly birthing from self’s mother with medically undiagnosed addiction to alcohol and cigarettes and Ryan Reynolds films, quilted in chicken batter
  2. Stirring in top tier of single bunk bed seamlessly continuing complex conversation with self’s aunt (in bottom tier of single bunk bed) from previous evening
  3. Entering consciousness on never-but-almost flatmate Simon’s couch with half of face covered in blood following drink spiking fiasco in Soho dungeon
  4. Rising with slight hangover to ex-girlfriend’s kisses on self’s back in rare moment when self felt truly loved without baggage of rival boyfriends
  5. Flailing aimlessly on comfortable couch in Haggerston basement flat at 9am next to young-looking-thirty-something damsel following near-religious Hyde Park music centric communion with ex-flatmate Tom and ex-flatmate Tom’s girlfriend Georgia and probably-never-flatmate Bruce Springsteen

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Posted in ****, 2000 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment


Wake at 9.30am show-worn and sweat-drained after week of rioting (self obviously wasn’t part of riots [since self prefers stealing hearts rather than plasma screen televisions], but self was caught near riots [since self lives in Peckham]) and performing in Noël Coward’s revisionist history lesson Peace in our Time. Self received positive feedback for performance in show but positive feedback not money, so self unable to spend week gloating in manner of confident squirrel who has more nuts/plasma screen televisions than other squirrels, so self must instead go to Walthamstow Job Centre to request Job Seekers Allowance.  Continue reading

Posted in ***, 2008 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Morning Glory

Wake at 10am in morning feeling glorious, refreshed and prepared to vanquish illness developed yesterday whilst rehearsing Noël Coward play and drinking rosé on National Theatre balcony with non-flatmate ex-workmate Valentina. Self watches season two of The Wire whilst prepping itinerant to-do list for approaching holiday to sunny Portugal. Self decides to publish list on blog: Continue reading

Posted in ****, 2010 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The Life of David Gale

Arrive back at new flat at 8pm. Self is weary, broken, emotionally drained like formally-wet-now-stone-cold-dry sponge. Flat seems quiet which self prefers as self far too exhausted to speak to other humans. Self unrobes, throws clothes to corner, clambers into bed and watches climax of first season of The Wire on laptop. Self disappears quickly into abyss of unconsciousness. Continue reading

Posted in ****, 2003 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bad Teacher

Wake (badly) at 9am by noise of lecture about early rising given by teacher father. (Self’s father actually headteacher but word gaming in blog posts often fails to work if self entirely accurate.) (Rethinking occurs whereby self concludes that “Wake [badly] at 9am because of lecture by headteacher father” would have sufficed just as well.) Self has set plan for how to spend Sunday. (Blog posting sometimes occurs several days after blog post experienced in real rather than reel life [self writes in faux present tense] because self [despite posts mostly about self drinking] occasionally busy with life tasks [current life task requires self move out of parents’ house] and drinking.) Self’s plan for God’s day (Sunday) includes self watching highly acclaimed women’s comedyBridesmaids (although highly acclaimed women’s film directed by man [not woman]), hugging self’s mother (as self moving house), leaving parents’ house with possessions (as self moving house), taking possessions to new house (as self moving house), and potentially kissing new flatmates (as self moving to flat not house). Continue reading

Posted in ***, 2011 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Alien: Resurrection

Erect self from bed at 10am. Self marginally inert after late night spent trying to understand Alien³ and watching countless episodes of brilliant AMC series Breaking Bad on laptop whilst in bed. Self brews dangerously strong coffee and consumes coffee with black cigarette in garden whilst morning of summer solstice washes over self. As self stands in parents’ garden, basking in beautiful light of sun, surrounded by strange and wonderful gorgeous creatures of earth and air adorned with stunning array of colours, self reflects on experience of David Fincher’s Alien³. Self’s soul empties out, but not in positive confessional catharsis brought on by innocence and power of Mother Nature, rather in disgusted, hopeless, what-is–point-of-carrying-on-if-Sigourney-Weaver-just-commits-suicide drowning sensation that can only be experienced morning following vicious argument with dinosaur or viewing of Alien³. Continue reading

Posted in **, 1997 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment