Wake at 9am. Fall asleep. Wake again. Repeat routine until 1pm when drag self to kitchen to flick switch on kettle – task that seemed so impossible whilst horizontal. Bathroom. Coffee and cigarette whilst reviewing recent happenings on Facebook. Conversation with flatmate Johnny about intended schedules. Negotiation of fry-ups, home cooked pasta/bacon sandwiches and staying in or going out results in decision to pick up fried chicken and watch recent download of Gerard Butler film Gamer. (Gerard Butler credited with authorship rather than director because film would never have found home on hard drive otherwise.) Excitement ensues. Later re-analysed as hunger for filthy bird meat.
Home cinema invented: chair stolen by other flatmate Tom during theatre-fuelled drinking binge, laptop mounted on said chair against radiator, speakers jacked into said laptop, chairs bought for play self produced two years’ ago. Fractious credit sequence begins as single-serving salt sprinkled upon winged carcass and instantly hunger that replaced excitement in turn replaced by sexual arousal as Butler appears on screen killing everything in KillZone multiplayer mode. Genital galvinisation promptly ruined as Butler graphically annihilates human beings in most inhumane way possible throughout rest of film.
Raucous applause by self contrasted by flatmate Johnny declaration that Gamer is “The worst film I’ve seen in a long, long time.” As self bites down on factory fattened corpse of chicken, Gerard breaks spine of character whose name includes word “rape” – only possible in Sims-type environment, of course, where every dark human desire can be realised. Avatar-based game which Gerard has illegally penetrated (unlike Rick Rape who was trying to have avatar-amour session with Gerard wife – stupid fucker) is called ‘Society’ and self immediately wants to live there, with flatmate Johnny controlling self.
Gamer causes repeated yelps of “Agh” and “Ugh” which are signals that self finds it difficult to watch 300-Scottish-Bigfoot lift people up by legs and drop their skulls into ground in full widescreen gratuity…
BUT… although trash, Gamer undeniably well-made trash. Ridiculousness culminates in dance sequence/basketball match in which Gerard and Dexter punch each other in increasingly elaborate ways. Lighting of scene reveals Gerard as ugliest person in entire film.
Go to work feeling as if self has eaten sugar hamburger. Look forward to downloading The Bounty Hunter. Flatmate Johnny does not. Flatmate Johnny feels so ashamed of himself that he stays in bed reading Goldfinger until self returns from work, drunk, ravenous for marathon download session.