Have been attempting to download Kate and Leopold for several weeks and know that time running low before flatmate Tom returns and discovers what self doing and beats self up for bringing such romantic mulch into our flat. Successfully acquire version with Spanish subtitles. Want to watch mulch solely for presence of Hugh Wolverine Jackman in romantic role, harking back to Animal Attraction, one of self favourite films of all time ever.
Credit sequence reveals that James Mangold responsible for direction. Know that something brilliant/terrible commencing as he made agreeable films Walk the Line, 3:10 to Yuma etc., yet no one has ever seen Kate and Leopold and there must be reason for that.
Know that possible enjoyment on cards as line shouted desiring Wolverine to be “resplendent.” Know that Wolverine capable of nothing less. Wonder how Wolverine became duke in 1870s. Enjoyment sways to fear as appearance of Liev Schreiber suggests that self has inadvertently embarked upon Orson Welles season as Schreiber played Orson in TV movie RKO 281. Have recently watched The Player featuring screenwriter murder victim Vincent D’Onofrio who played Orson in well-liked Burton film Ed Wood. Annoyed by self father correct prediction that anything vaguely cultural can always be linked back to Orson Welles.
Notice that Orson inexplicably following Wolverine. Confuddlement at sudden switcharoo as Wolverine starts following Orson. Orson apparently trying to kill himself by jumping off boat. Think this reasonable as Orson may have foreseen career nosedive following Citizen Kane. Wolverine, in typical heroic manoeuvre, tries to prevent Orson suicide only to be maced in the eyes by modern-day-gadget-carrying Orson. Both fall into ocean and gadget now understandable as Orson actually from modern day.
Pre-fish-face-surgery Meg Ryan very angry with ex-boyfriend Orson and unconvinced with life story of new-Orson-flatmate Wolverine. Transpires that Wolverine responsible for invention of elevators. Now elevators non-existant as Wolverine in future before having opportunity to invent elevators in past. Yet, lift shafts still present. Wonder why buildings across globe now have useless empty shafts running vertically through them and find self becoming lost in sparkling-wine-fuelled-space-time-continuum-haze. Decide to finish film later and trot wearily to work.
Leave work and decide to go on drunken walk with non-flatmate workmate Lydia on South Bank. Eventually return home to find flat quiet as flatmate Johnny asleep and flatmate Tom still absent. Renewal of screening reveals that Meg Ryan works for Josh Lyman and he clearly wants to have sex with her. Believe reassessment of complete West Wing probably due. Screening interrupted by opening of front door. Flatmate Tom alive! Feel as if self caught in act of crime and hide VLC player window and replace with Facebook page and website with images of monster trucks.
Drink White Ace with flatmate Tom until receive phone call from drug-addled-James-flatmate-Johnny. Invite non-flatmate Johnny round to drink. Receive text from drink-addled-nineteen-year-old-friend Louise. Invite child Louise round to drink. Screening of Jurassic Park initiated by flatmate Tom for sole reason of listening to theme tune. Have to evict guests at 4am as have work in morning. Jurassic Park unfinished but okay with this as can quote film from memory.
Following evening decide to use emptiness of flat (flatmate Johnny at museum, flatmate Tom at girlfriend’s – information pried from him previous night uncovers that he has been there all week and wonder if there will be repeat absences granting continued abuse of internet to procure romcoms) to catch up on television as Kate and Leopold no longer on VLC player following screening of first half of Spielberg dino-flick. Pass out to sound of favourite-aspect-of-Jurassic–Park-Jeff-Goldblum being interviewed by Jonathan Ross.
Dream that evening spent sorting out life: finding better job, sorting out pending court summons regarding council tax, finding girl partner. Wake saddened by dream. Realise life unfinished like Kate and Leopold.