Return from work around 11pm. Exchange pleasantries with flatmate Tom but dismiss possibility of watching Kenneth Branagh film In the Bleak Midwinter in order to write how-to articles for website. Know nothing about how to decorate ceramic mugs and research into topic interrupted by arrival of saddened flatmate Johnny. Three way conversation enjoyable but brief as flatmate Tom disappears into night to find girlfriend and flatmate Johnny seeks comfort from Glenfiddich. Am left to own devices so decide to attempt screening of Paranormal Activity.
Begin film and feel self in position of authority over filmmakers as too drunk to be really frightened by anything. Suspicious happenings begin when phone vibrates unexpectedly. Further investigation reveals it is merely text message from flatmate Tom. Visit bathroom and return to find beer can empty that was almost certainly full before. Begin freaking out. Calm self by visiting fridge.
Form of film makes it difficult to sass troubling lines such as, “Did you hear that? Something unearthly.” Annoyed by filmmakers’ attempt to freak self out even more.
Agree with girl who decides that paranormal demon didn’t want to kill her until the camera was involved. Decide woman alluding to Paulo Cherchi Usai’s book The Death of Cinema.
By one hour and four minute point am comically enraptured by film because of photo found in man’s attic. Find strange noises in own flat fascinating rather than terrifying because of self’s suicidal streak. Watching film on purpose as if it was a documentary. Alcohol not acting as catalyst for paranoia like originally feared.
So gripped by film that find self switching from beer to Fanta.
Find self uncertain as to why paranormal forces only play at night. Understand after further thought that when looking back over own life, most strange happenings most occur between the hours of 12am and 6am. Perhaps couple should be thankful they are not being mobbed by mephedrone-ridden clubber.
Decide film in fact a metaphor for closeted-lesbianism: girl obviously unhappy with man, camera never catches them having sex despite being on for several days, keeps on inviting over girlfriend, never comfortable wherever she lives. Essay on subject definitely in order. Girl needs to calm down and be comfortable with herself and then demon lesbian forces sure to leave her alone. Girl refuses and inevitable happens. Won’t ruin film as flatmate Tom may read blog. Wonder if self own lesbian demon will follow self from flat to flat when self moves out at end of month. Worse still, will drunk demon follow also. Decide self would be totally fine being accompanied by former.