Wake at 10am and wonder why, when leaving room, flatmate Johnny’s door closed. Spent previous night drinking with cast and crew of Covent-Garden-based-promenade-version of Romeo and Juliet. Had been told by flatmate Johnny that he would be staying at new girlfriend Vicky’s house. Self adopts sluggish detective quality and peeps into room. Confronted by startled deer-eyed look from Vicky poking head out from behind chair. Ignore presence of other in flat and carry out routine.
Catch up on World Cup highlights and fruitlessly root around torrenting sites for Jimmy Fallon/Drew Barrymore Americanised version of Firth’s Fever Pitch. Give up. Decide in moment of panic to abort VLC player and watch Chris Evans actioner Push. Initially found self reluctant to download film as despite enjoyment of less-attractive-and-funny-version-of-Ryan-Reynolds-human-torch Chris Evans find self leaning towards a forecast of ridiculous plotting. Also possess basic fear of very existence of Dakota Fanning.
Fear worst when credit sequence deigns to include what appears to be still from Chris Marker’s 1962 La jetée. Artistic presumption out-duped by Dakota appearing totally unwilling to act in film. Alongside Chris Evans, however, sub-standard performance difficult to notice. Chris Evans clearly desperate to have CGI fire effects to avoid audience actually seeing him. Vaguely remember watching Cellular, but remember experience as more bearable because eating fried food at time. Currently eating sausage roll. Not the same.
Once food finished, no interest remains in Push and decide to replace with recently acquired banned-from-release documentary. Self very proud of ownership because film genuinely outlawed by popular music group. Decide to forgo any mention of fi.lm until completed, as film potentially most interesting creation yet watched in duration of blog, and self needs to be sober in order to assess film in tone that won’t result in legal ramifications. (Not as stressed about law suit as possibly could be as know that no record company executives read blog, unless flatmate Tom harbouring massive secret and non-flatmate-recently-fellow-reblogger Paul (aka Pollux) doing more with time than self otherwise thought.)
Begin crashing around 2.30pm and decide to watch self’s most recently purchased DVD, Deception, which self had never heard of notwithstanding the involvement of both Wolverine and Ewan McGregor. Film begins and clear from beginning that film not going to be in any way worthy of time (except self’s time which is pathetically available for ongoing wastage). Also, have urge to complete film as paid actual human currency (£2) to own physical copy of film rather than downloaded digitally encoded metaphysical information file.
Ewan attempts New York accent that improves as film progresses. Ewan boring nervous accountant type. Influence of Wolverine made clear in initial five minutes when Wolverine visits Ewan bearing joint. Ewan wall of uptightedness breaks down triggering most uncomfortable weed-induced laughter scene in history of cinema. Weed growers everywhere owe Judd Apatow favour.
Suspicions of terrible script writing confirmed when line “Mr Rutherford is having hip surgery in New Jersey” complimented by acoustic dramatic surge. Least dramatic line in history of Wolverine films.
Plot of film increasingly bears resemblance to work of thirteen-year-old-self’s English GCSE coursework as plot upsettingly predictable and characters ashamedly two dimensional. Find self wondering if self could convince Ewan and Wolverine and widower Michelle Williams to star in self’s decade-old screenplay An Ordinary Man, as title particularly relevant in light of A Serious/Single Man.
Terrible plot relies on old I-take-your-phone-instead-of-mine device and suddenly Ewan is sleeping with all Wolverine’s fuck buddies. Given it being Wolverine, there are many. Sterile sex scenes ensue. Turns out, Wolverine actually master con man taking up-tight Ewan for ride in order to get him to fiddle expenses. Find self unsure about willingness to accept Wolverine Jackman as capable brilliant con artist. Decide that only in film possessing most-predictable-unfolding-of-events-since-watching-One-Night-in-Turin-DOCUMENTARY could audience be expected to believe Wolverine capable of masterminding complicated stratagem.
Ewan falls instantly in love with Michelle Williams. Witness most unconvincing and awkward non-sex-based-lovemaking-in-the-Wiledian-sense-of-word scene in history of film and feel sorry for all members of cast, who’re doing best to deliver potentially worst script of year (2008).
Without glasses, mis-read time and flee to work. Realise only upon crossing Waterloo Bridge that self is full hour premature. Instead go clothes shopping. Purchase questionable underwear and attend work. Return home. Continue abysmal DVD as have nothing else to procrastinate with.
Events unfold with conclusion of Ewan offering Wolverine five million dollars to know the location of Michelle Williams, whom he has met merely three times. Genius Wolverine unexpectedly shot by girlfriend Michelle Williams (involved in Wolverine’s grand scheme all along). Ewan leaves twenty million on Wolverine corpse in order to wear leather jacket and accidentally bump into Michelle Williams to exchange virginal smiles. Credits roll, but self knows Wolverine skeleton soldered with adamantium so know ‘story’ not complete.
Venture out to obtain wine and upon return met with flatmate Johnny. Johnny admits to reading blog in draft form on laptop screen and offers factual corrections. Ideas dismissed as confusion capable of canonical results. Embark upon serial text libretto with young friend Louise. Results mystifying. Don’t trust anyone as Deception revealed betrayal can come from most unlikely places. Reassess and decide, harnessing self’s GCSE in English, that no one should ever watch Deception as may result in people being influenced by plot possibly collocated by infant and/or animal species. Feel self overcome with disappointment with all involved. Including self.