Ride home from work on recently refurbished two-wheel bicycle. Almost zip past Union Theatre without noticing and saluting old work partner non-flatmate Anthony. Anthony in Sondheim musical Assassins. Anthony enjoying gin and tonic with twirl of lime. Find self out of place with successful actor types and escape to flat.

Feel airy and adventurous after bicycle journey and brief touch of stardom and glamour. Decide to watch film on BBC iPlayer for first time. Films available include Costner mourn fest Dragonfly, Stoppard mastabatory comedy Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, foreign disability drama The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, and romantic escapade Heath Ledger vehicle Casanova. Have seen Casanova earlier in less-sexually-active-than-Casanova life and had made active effort to draw pleasure from film in spite of torrent of sassy reviews as self fond of Lasse Hallstrom canon.

Have read selected extracts from Casanova’s twelve-volume memoir The Story of My Life and grimace at film’s narrative sidestep at inception when aged Casanova declares that events audience about to witness too emotionally important to include in memoirs. However, all not lost as film potentially useful tool for learning art of the woo. Hope advice less opaque than real life Casanova advice: “There is no honest woman with an uncorrupted heart whom a man is not sure of conquering by dint of gratitude. It is one of the surest and shortest means.”

Screening halted by return of flatmate Johnny from gaming event. Johnny bearing trophies from gaming event non-electric games. Trophies: jar of Tom Clancy Ghost Reacon Future Soldider pickles, bottle of rum and business card of attractive writer/producer/presenter girl. Johnny interested in designing own business card. Revelation that Johnny used to do poetry gigs almost distracts self entirely from Ledger lechery but self’s focus reinstalled when Johnny exits room to work on business card designs.

Ledger Casajoker predictably active during credit sequence with array of eighteenth century hardbodies. Wonder whether these conquests are counted in addition to or inclusive of total number of conquests (later stated as over 120). Realise that film gearing character in monogamous direction at pain of death. Casajoker suitably undergoes search to find wife. Casajoker interest in pale faced minx, daughter of wealthy traditionalist. Casajoker also interested in exceedingly well-read wannabe suffragette Sienna Miller.

Casajoker challenged to dual by Sienna Miller thick-eyebrowed virginal brother. During dual, Casajoker victim to old switcheroo technique and finds himself fighting Sienna Miller. Difficult to believe mistaken identity given eagle-wing spread of eyebrow hair on brothers’ face, but trust Hallstrom steering of plot twists.

Meanwhile, Ken Stott absolutely consumed with gathering evidence to bring Casajoker’s neck to noose. Feel as if Ken Stott character could do with aspects of other Ken Stott character Rebus as detective qualities would surely allow him to outwit Casajoker. Talents potentially worth Rebus epic alcoholism.

Too late for Ken Stott as Jeremy Irons grandly appears as Rome’s head inquisitor. Casajoker’s notorious debauchery has drawn attention of Vatican. Bad news bears for Casajoker as everyone knows what Vatican did to Galileo. Jeremy Iron’s apparently basing performance on army of Nazis. Self familiar with Irons’ uniquely gravelly voice, but feel as if Irons slightly upping ante as voice resembles sound lazy vacuum cleaner would make negotiating slab of dry wood up vacuum cleaner’s nozzle.

Visitation from flatmate Johnny with business card designs reveals to self’s despair that he has seen Casanova. Wonder what kind of life flatmate Johnny must have had to lead to this moment in time, where he can announce that although entirely ignorant of all-time-classic Unforgiven, he has seen moderate farce Casanova and used to do poetry gigs.

Sudden appearance of Geoffrey Rush entails plot thickening. Geoffrey Rush in new career defining role, not as autistic piano genius worth of Oscar, not as Casanovian charlatan capable of outrageous poetry with ability to woo Kate Winslet, but as alcohol sodden mouthpiece for Sienna Miller’s suffragette philosopher.

Plot now fully marinated when Oliver Platt pork baron arrives. Self barely able to keep up with Casajoker’s identity thefts. Utterly convinced that upcoming Carnivale ball which Casajoker plans to attend as both pork baron and eligible bachelor and himself can only result in Casajoker date with noose. Perhaps self wrong as Casajoker has cunningly brought to ball two masks. Surprised when self right when Casajoker caught and sent to face noose. More surprised that Sienna Miller has purposefully joined him at hangman’s hill to be hung as well. Suspicious that couple slightly depraved and interest in auto-asphictiation has gone too far.

Jubilation when Casajoker mother arrives just in time to save Casajoker as Casajoker’s mother now wife of Cardinal. Jeremy Iron’s severely unimpressed. Another Cardinal arrives. Cue hilarious chase sequence which culminates in a kiss orgy on Oliver Platt’s boat. Casajoker hands off mantle of Casanova to Sienna Miller’s brother, who has been busying virginal loins in brothel where his performance was grandiose to extent of prostitutes not wanting payment. New Casanova continues legacy and climactic reveal shows that it was Sienna Miller’s brother playing aged Casanova at film’s beginning.

Breathe deeply and exhale sigh. Flatmate Tom still not home. Wonder if flatmate Tom using advantage of girlfriend absence to embark on large scale assault on singletons of Southwark. Dismiss notion as laughable as football match being played in South Africa and self knows flatmate Tom would always neglect two round things in favour of one round thing. Slip quietly between sheets and dream of self own passionate encounters with past loves. Dreams expectedly begin twisting into horrifying nightmares and instead turn sleepy thoughts towards Mel Gibson.


About josh-in-reel-life

Often disgruntled blogger.
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