Wake at 10.30am after another flat barbeque hosted by flatmates Tom and Johnny in celebration of return of non-flatmate girlfriends. Self unable to blog during recent days as busy with work and constant You Tubing of old episodes of Charlie Brooker’s Screen Wipe. Know that self, at some point in week, absorbed heart melting Mel Gibson film The Man Without a Face. Unfortunately for self, fandom of Gibson untimely given recent racially related outburst, which, coupled with self’s gentle criticism of Morgan Freeman’s interpretation of Nelson Mandela, may result in self being lynched by over zealous friends hoping to exhibit categorical non-racism.
Had decided upon Gibson screening as self spotted film on BBC iPlayer following enjoyment of sumptuous, if historically absurd, Ledger Casanova experience. BBC iPlayer becoming self’s new favourite medium as films available always obscurely relevant (such as Gibson film arriving alongside Gibson rant) and hark back to self’s past consumption of whatever box of moving images self could find in self’s parents’ attic.
Alarmed at introduction of child hero of film as character played by Nick Stahl, who will later grow up to inject heroin. Nick Stahl very angry and troubled. Nick Stahl already on war path to heroin addiction. Nick Stahl planning of retaking test for private military academy. Nick Stahl presumably failed original examination because of heroin distraction. Fortunately for boyish addict Stahl, famous freak of town Gibson was once lecturer in Latin. Stahl fearful of approaching Gibson as Gibson terrible at social graces and DOESN’T HAVE FACE.
Stahl overcomes Gibson’s TERRIBLE BURN SCARS and begins writing essays discussing super heroes whilst replacing erstwhile opinions about judging appearances with acceptance of HIDEOUSLY DISFIGURED NO-FACE Gibson. Stahl so embarrassed by new friend Gibson who DOESN’T HAVE FACE that he keeps truth about new NO FACE tutor friend secret from family and friends. Ultimate result of Stahl’s avoidance regarding new MASSIVELY BLEMISHED friend is decision by townsfolk to presume that TOAST FACE Gibson is sexually abusing later heroin addict Stahl. Pretty much only thing Gibson hasn’t done to massively offend everyone on earth is to sexually abuse children. (Self suspicious that younger Gibson new older Gibson would be globally despised and so made film in which he has HORRIFIC BURNT-PIZZA FACE ISSUE with hope of gleaning sympathy vote.)
Wonder why sexual abuse wasn’t issue for Mr Holland when writing his opus, or John Keating when forming his society of dead poets, or Mr Chips when he was saying goodbye, or Mr Thackeray, especially since all of black Thackeray’s students were white and sending him notes reading “To sir, with love.” Know as fact that Gibson not in non-white Mr Thackeray’s class as Gibson more liable to send latter bomb.
Due to Gibson general hatred of life, climax of film is heart rending and totality of schoolastic symphony undeniable achievement for first time director Gibson. Find self withered to state of wannabe Gibson disciple given Gibson’s clever throw-over of Gibson image: make film on low budget starring unknown child actor, use Gibson self name and notoriety as sole box office draw, make well-known and well-loved (at the time) Gibson face HIROSHIMA’D.
Self compelled to align with mass public loathing of Gibson following recent rant. Self obviously unhappy with necessity as self enamoured with Gibson to extent of wanting to learn Aramaic (ארמית). Wonderment at depth of Gibson racism given continued use of other languages in films: aforementioned language of Jesus in The Passion of the Christ, Latin in The Man Without a Face, Scottish accents in Braveheart.
Gibson seemingly unhappy with size of non-flatmate ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva’s new breasts. Gibson fearful for sexual exclusivity of relationship with Oksana given potentiality of gang rape by non-white people. Gibson rant borderline acceptable until inevitable use of N-word. Stupid Gibson. Now everyone hate Gibson even more. No point in Gibson releasing films as no one willing to watch them. Gibson probably unable to get any actor that’s not severe Nationalist to work with him.
Decide self will maintain one-member Gibson fan club, but Gibson must be punished. Decide provocative picture of Gibson non-flatmate ex-girlfriend Oksana only course of action.
Gibson career facing problems. Gibson dropped not only by large breasted girlfriend Oksana but also by agent. Gibson hate monologue responsible for ironic 170% surge in popularity on imdb.com’s STARmeter. Feel as if STATmeter missing point somewhat.
Contemplate Gibson options. Gibson feasibly capable of martyring self for Scotland’s freedom. Or asking Joaquin Phoenix to help him save family from Alien threat. Or asking Danny Glover to help him prevent terrible things occurring in Los Angeles four times over. Or using kerosine to create new image as man WITHOUT FACE.
Gibson options unattractive. Decide to put plans for Gibson fan club website on hold in favour of celebrating non-flatmate Northerner Martin’s birthday. Thankful that self has face. Try to make self’s face vaguely decorative in hope of chance encounter with newly available non-flatmate Gibson-ex girlfriend Oksana.