Wake at 11am when front door of flat opens and flatmate Tom enters. Want to make impressive impression so drag self to kitchen. Flatmate Tom impressed by impression to extent of offering to make French toast. Instantly feel more continental but remain far from functional. Slump at desk and write Objectified blog.
Enjoy toast ala French and pacify approaching palpitations ala heart by loading John Cusack comedy Hot Tub Time Machine on VLC player. Hopeful that comedy will be numbing enough to allow self to survive mid-morning angst. Flatmate Tom takes high road and watches episodes of Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe, visiting self only to question choice of Cusack film given he has heard terrible things. Self incapable of offering disagreement as film’s opening twenty minutes diabolical and titular hot tub yet to appear.
Hot tub eventually takes centre stage. Naked men enter hot tub and moment of cinematic history occurs when Phil Mitchell lookalike offers up following line: “It’s called male bonding, haven’t you even seen Wild Hogs?” Whilst reference pleasingly contemporary, any film that alludes to such inconsequential mediocrity as Wild Hogs to qualify most plot-important scene in film (as hot tub will blast naked men into past) needs serious reevaluation before shooting even begins.
Hyperactive phantasmagoria ensues allowing filmmaker Steve Pink to defecate freely on years of work by visual artists and set up next scene where Phil Mitchell vomits on squirrel. Flatmate Tom in room for this moment and leaves in silence, presumably shell shocked.
Chevy Chase arrives, flatulence does too. Hot Tub Time Machine so unbearable that self can’t even do other things on computer whilst it continues to punish self from its tiny VLC window which self has relegated to corner of laptop screen. Decide to end things before those things get worse. Self pleased for first time in life that self not professional critic as job would require self to watch film until end credits.
Self unwilling to write of film in blog, but feel that negative publicity necessary. As punishment to previously-quite-liked Cusack, refuse to include image of film in blog post and leave title of film out of post heading.
Instead of suffering through Cusackrophe begin investigating potentiality of career in publishing, although online publication of blog does not equate to two years desk-job experience. Stupid Bloomsbury. Stupid Hot Tub Time Machine. Viciously angry towards film as now using film as excuse for world’s evil. Film cost $50 million to produce and $47 million to market. Self could film flatmate Tom vomiting on squirrel in Sloane Square for less than £5. Instead spend money on tobacco and milk from corner shop.
Calmed by tea, self loads recently marketed Ben Stiller independent Greenberg on VLC player. Initial trouble loading film. Reasonable as VLC player probably feeling sick after hot tub film. Am vigilant for squirrels.
Self excited as self fan of filmmaker Noah Baumbach on basis of brilliant comedy The Squid and the Whale. Self did not see follow-up Margot at the Wedding as self was tired of weddings after watching harrowing (not in critical sense) Rachel Getting Married.
Ben Stiller stays in successful brother’s house for a month and has adventures in Hollywood. Rhys Ifans arrives and takes socially awkward Stiller to barbeque party. Self approves. Stiller meets old friend non-fat-one from Humpday. Wonder if film about to take on unexpected homosexual tint. Stiller meets Jennifer Jason Leigh. Jennifer responsible for story of film and also helped produce. Stiller wants to date Jennifer.
Stiller fond of writing complaint letters to corporate giants. Stiller might want to think about sending one to MGM regarding films starring hot tubs.
Stiller initiates first-fifteen-minutes-of-first-episode-of-True-Blood-style-non-neck-based mouth activity on brother’s assistant Florence. Florence fifteen years Stiller’s junior. Florence wants to take things slow. Stiller decides best course of action is compilation of mix tape for Florence. Notion wise as Stiller reasonable taste in music.
Self begins to notice quality acting from Stiller. Not necessarily playing against type, but not not playing against type quite well. Double negative only possible way of ever describing Stiller acting.
Stiller often bored but incapable of being comfortable around people so no one seems too willing to hang out with him. Stiller phones Rhys Ifans. Rhys Ifans watching Just My Luck. Baumbach schools hot tub fetishist Steven Pink in how to do comical contemporary reference. (Realise that lunatic Lohan should consider phoning McFly to help save career.)
Stiller hosts party. Stiller has brief sex. Stiller does this. Stiller does that. Baumbach screenplay sort of sprawling. Film somewhat numbing. Should have watched film earlier when self wanted purge of sensation. Greenberg creates sort of sickness in self because of retro aesthetic and awkward human interaction. Flatmate Tom goes to work. Decide self should probably copy. Self advises local squirrel community to vacate self’s route to work ala now.