Unthinkable

Wake at 8am and roll out of bed with hope of looking bright eyed and bushy tailed to flatmates. Instead look weary eyed and fat. Make coffee and slump at desk to watch film self had never heard of but that contained so many stars that self felt required to download it: Unthinkable. Film directed by Gregor Jordan who self likes for Joaquin Phoenix dark-comedy-based-on-book Buffalo Soldiers but doesn’t like for reductive nature of career trajectory thenceforth: passable Ned Kelly and later abomination The Informers.

Michael Sheen doing chameleon impression again, this time being American Arab who has planted three bombs in three cities and won’t tell anyone where they are. Carrie-Anne Moss is alarmed as she is in charge of anti-terrorist group. Upheaval leads to Gil Bellows from Ally Mcbeal and Superman Brandon Routh going to arrest Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel L. Jackson reading story about bears to children. Samuel L. Jackson very unhappy about being disturbed. Samuel L. Jackson taken in for questioning.

Self experiences considerable confusion for opening half hour of film as very little being explained. Self feels this is good filmmaking rather than bad scripting. Eventually revealed that Samuel L. Jackson is shady ex-military figure who is talented torturer.

Michael Sheen gets himself caught on purpose by standing still in shopping complex for twenty minutes. Michael Sheen taken to secret military dungeon for torturing. Carrie-Anne and Samuel arrive and witness Michael being gently punished with water pistol. “Gentle” not in Samuel’s vocabulary. “Persuasion techniques” for girls. Samuel unfurls blanket of torture devices including mini meat cleaver and hacks off Michael’s finger to let Michael know that Samuel not fucking around.

Samuel apparently knows the rules of prisoner engagement but has zero regard for them. Samuel prone to this type of thing as shown in The Negotiator. Carrie-Anne needs to phone Kevin Spacey. Instead Carrie-Anne complains continually about Samuel’s escalating inhumanity toward Michael. Self not generally fond of torture scenes, but self finding film genuinely gripping.

Nevertheless, when self hears flatmate Tom’s door open, self serves suggestion of tennis. Flatmate Tom returns dissent but later volleys an affirmative and we venture forth to Southwark public courts. Weather unkind to extent of flatmate Tom forgoing usual orange vest attire. Self still hopeful of possibility of sun so self dons red vest. Concrete damp and compilation of puddles makes for near-epic battle of non-orange slug and red slug. Pleased with lack of torture in self’s non-reel life as otherwise self knows flatmates Tom’s tennis racket would be put to create use after self punishes flatmate Tom in opening set. Self annoyed with lack of torture in non-reel life when flatmate Tom avenges himself in gruelling following set. Too early in day to enjoy well-deserved routine visit to pub, so return home to finish non-torture-porn torture film.

Enjoy two line put down that self would expect to hear in House: “This is not what we talked about.” “That’s because you’re only listening to yourself.”

Samuel prevented from continued spurning of Geneva convention as techniques fruitless. Carrie-Anne allowed to attempt psychological approach. Micahel Sheen as strong willed as Lucian, Lord of Lycans, so Samuel allowed back in to torture chamber to attempt psychological approach of his own: playing classical music and slashing Michael Sheen’s wife’s throat open in front of him.

Michael Sheen finally gives up information. Information not location of bombs, rather Michael’s demands. Feel as if one of demands should have been to not kill wife, but self realises that larger religious and political concerns being deliberated by film. Michael wants withdrawal of American troops from all Islamic countries.

Suggestion fair enough? Government hot heads so outraged by fair-enough-but-ridiculous-because-America-in-charge-of-planet proposition that they decide Michael lying about nuclear bombs. Non-nuclear bomb goes off. Michael not lying about bombs.

Despite Samuel’s non-diagnosed-but-blatant insanity, government morons ask Samuel to continue torture as ten million American lives at stake. Samuel says he must do unthinkable – THAT’S THE NAME OF THE FILM! – and decrees that Michael’s children be brought in. Carrie-Anne draws line at children. Samuel steps over live with hypodermic syringe and flies at children in locked room. Door of torture chamber shot through and Samuel dragged away from children. On plus side, Michael has given up location of three bombs to Carrie-Anne. Samuel decides that there must be fourth bomb. Samuel wants to attack children again but no one will let him. Samuel decides that there is no point in torturing Michael anymore and sets him free. Michael grabs gun and shoots himself.

Bomb disposal experts, fearlessly doing away with Hurt Locker style giant teddy bear suits, defuse bombs throughout country. Bad news (teddy) bears for one disposal team as tracking shot to different part of shadowy building reveals another bomb. Fourth bomb. Samuel was right. Increased dramatic tension avoided as few people left to die. Survivors of Samuel L. Jackson’s individual war on human rights can eagerly anticipate incineration in forthcoming nuclear explosion. Timer on bomb ticks down from 00:00:00:09. Film cuts to black.

Thoroughly enjoyed film but self aware of over-roasting of drama in places. Still, idea far from half-baked. Self pleased with start of day. Decide losing at tennis much much much better than being in locked room with Samuel L. Jackson, especially when Samuel L. Jackson angrier than he was in Lakeview Terrace, Pulp Fiction, Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane, and Cloverfield.

Self prepares to prepare salad for later in day.

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About josh-in-reel-life

Often disgruntled blogger.
This entry was posted in ***, 2010 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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