Wake at 11am after (day of light) and night of heaving drinking with non-flatmate workmate Lydia and non-flatmate old friend Jimmy at hallowed tavern on Strand. Evening culminated in reading of play self amalgamated from pre-existing Harold Pinter plays drawn from tome Harold Pinter Plays 4 with view of performing play with flatmate Tom, but production plan progress limited by flatmate Tom refusal to communicate with self from original homestead in Devon through social networking site. Self considers replacing flatmate Tom with non-flatmate Jimmy but self doesn’t want to commit to notion as self drunk.
Date with non-flatamte workmate friend-in-real-and-reel-life Valentina later on to take in recent Tom Cruise/Cameron Diaz release (ingeniously titled Knight and Day) means self has limited time to watch series twenty-two of BBC television programme Never Mind the Buzzcocks hosted by Simon Amstell. Self has developed previously-minor-but-now-advancing-towards-obsessive interest in Simon Amstell. Newfound idolisation debilitating for blog as self has three series of television programme to catch-up on so little-to-no time to watch films.
Self only willing to leave laptop and constant You Tubing of Simon Amstell face because Knight and Day features Tom Cruise face. Simon Amstell love still in infancy whereas Tom Cruise love solidified like non-clonal Great Basin Bristlecone Californian pine tree. Self has seen all Tom Cruise releases, with exception of Taps, which self has avoided watching as fearful that Taps as disappointing as Legend.
With sky hue of vanilla, self takes on risky business of strolling through London free of influence of alcohol, as self wants to drink up cinematic Cruise portrait without blur of cider. Self makes all the right moves, avoiding upwards of ten off licenses, and completes almost impossible mission to far and away Leicester Square. Self considers cocktail, but keeps eyes wide shut when passing wealth of cocktail bars in Covent Garden. Self early, so self decides to purchase Betty Boop lighter from old man in China Town. Using pound coin as collateral, self enquires as to price of flame creator. Experience akin to interview with vampire as shopkeep has appearance of world’s last samurai. Self feels like lamb in front of lion, but remains firm, handing over colour of money, and leaving, passing few good men on way back to Leicester Square. Self attempts to light cigarette, but passer-by comments, “It’s beginning to rain, man.” Self believes analysis of weather without credit, as magnolias blooming feverishly under sun in Leicester Square square-shaped garden.
Before long, friend-outside-of-work Valentina arrives and together we enter cinema. Self excited as much as when self and non-flatmate Valentina watched Iron Man 2. Self can’t stop talking. Cinema staff visibly amused by self homosexual desire for Tom Cruise. Self annoyed that Tom Cruise shares forename with flatmate Tom as self has no physical attraction towards flatmate Tom whatsoever (except when flatmate Tom does hair in certain way). If self had to list objects of desire mentioned thus far in blog entry in terms of love, which self does as self enjoys creating opportunities for humiliation, list would be as follows (in list form):
1. Tom Cruise
2. Simon Amstell
3. Cameron Diaz
4. Flatmate Tom
Annoyance furthered when it becomes clear lazy cinema ushers have seated all audience members in large clump in centre of stalls to avoid cleaning up. Complaints met with dismissal. Complaints voiced to other audience members met with agreement. Self decides vengeance in form of popcorn spillage totally fair. Lights dim and magic begins.
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!
kiss kiss… BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!!
BANG BANG BANG!!!!!!!!!!!
BANG! BANG! (kiss)
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BULLS ARE EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Self leaves cinema in daze. Disorientation reaches height when self mistakes majority of passers-by for Simon Amstell. Feel as if self raped by Tom Cruise. Valentina tries to induce calm by notifying self that Tom Cruise to appear in Tom Cruise family life based reality show. News only makes self more flustered. Panic continues in workplace. Valentina attempts different method by mentioning that Simon Amstell appearing in Simon Amstell fictional family life based sitcom. News sends self into spiral of lunacy which ends only when self self-administers nine ciders whilst watching far less BANG BANG BANG Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Self barely makes it through night and following day.