Wake at 9.30am with bed guest. Am irresistibly drawn to laptop to check comment updates on new blogging site. Find majority of comments from self mother. Self mother apparently promoting blog to school children. Feedback severe as schoolchildren think self moans too much about lack of cider. Self confused as self hardly ever without cider and criticism jars with feedback from non-flatmate workmate Tom who thinks self should write less about films and more about life, but self can’t as non-flatmate younger friend Louise called blog solipsistic. Self unable to harmonise violently divergent strands of reaction and decide to forgo watching films forever.
Advise bed guest how to reach subterranean transport system entrance and excitedly use BBC iPlayer to watch most recent episode of lovely Simon Amstell sitcom Grandma’s House. Self has been busy during transition of blog from old site to new site crushing on thin, curly-haired television presenter. Since Simon Amstell not in films, self can not foresee ever watching films again, which makes recent blog transition unavailing. Fortunately for blog and unfortunately for blog readers, who by now must be more disgruntled than self (even though self not actually disgruntled, rather emotional and fat), Simon Amstell programme barely thirty minutes in length, and self has whole day to fill before going to work.
Desiring day spent Googling Simon Amstell face, self decides to throw on film self has seen several times over and can thus ignore easily. Although titular patriotic star of film ferociously unpopular because of vocalised hatred of ebony-skinned and Jewish humans, self decides to risk viewing of The Patriot starring Mel Gibson. Film notable for incident involving embarrassing fact-error in old edition of arrogant-yet-undeniably-brilliant BFI funded monthly magazine Sight and Sound, wherein stupid journalist-cum-critic attributed Mel Gibson with directorship. Film instead unmistakably directed by Roland Emmerich. Research uncovers information that Roland involved in duo of sequels for Independence Day. Self can only hope follow up films better than 2012.
Film begins and Heath Ledger appears as Gibson son. Instant worriment as Gibson children have tendency to die. Ledger looking extremely young and find self moved once again by Ledger untimely mortality.
Fear worst when Gibson, refusing to go to war – despite obvious war talent displayed in We Were Soldiers (based on non-fiction memoir with potential worst title of all time [besides Heath Ledger film The Sin Eater] We Were Soldiers Once… And Young) – decides to harbour hurt rebel soldiers, attracting attention of evil gun wielding Englishman on horse. Gibson, needless to type, capable of taking evil Englishman down – due to road warrior skills exhibited in Australian-career-defining Mad Max trilogy – but Gibson pretending to be passive.
Unexpected murder of other Gibson boy occurs when other Gibson boy tries to rescue Heath Ledger from evil Englishman. Uh oh. Gibson likely to annoyed. Gibson annoyed often both on and off screen. Gibson annoyed in (earlier blog entry) Edge of Darkness. Gibson especially annoyed for three whole films after murder of family by road hogs in Mad Max trilogy. Gibson really pissed off when Scottish bride murdered by different evil Englishman in Braveheart, and by murder of South African love interest in Lethal Weapon 2 (before securing new love interest Rene Russo – who can fend for herself – in Lethal Weapon 3 and 4). Gibson annoyed even by remote possibility of harm to Culkin child by alien creatures in Signs. Gibson mad as max when child kidnapped by men in Ransom. Gibson, in fact, based entire line of employment on avenging acts of cruelty against Gibson children, so why (the fuck) would evil Englishman murder other Gibson boy?!
Fortunately, Gibson possessed of lots of other boys to help him eradicate entire convoy of Englishmen to get back Heath Ledger. Although reunited, Gibson still very upset. Roland Emmerich lets audience relate to Gibson plight by suddenly removing almost all colour from filmic image, perhaps to trick audience into thinking they are watching better Gibson film, Payback.
Find self disturbed by old form of combat: lines of men standing opposite each other firing guns. Self thinks chess better form of combat. Or relaxed round of tennis. Gibson disagrees, and decides to visit Chris Cooper to help American forces kill Englishmen despite earlier pledge to never go to war again.
Heath Ledger visits church to recruit people to fight with him and dad Gibson. Enjoy line delivered by vicar who decides to go and help Ledger/Gibson warring entourage: “A shepherd must tend his flock, and, at times, fight off the wolves.” Hope to develop similar relationship with blog readers. In way, self has initiated approach already by watching Affleck tripe Man About Town so that blog readers don’t have to. Although self also responsible for ruining good films for blog readers, as in case of flatmate Tom and Toy Story 3.
Find it bizarre that both Gibson and Ledger so willing to fight the American fight when both actually Australian. Unrelenting, Gibson and troops head home after killing Englishmen for rest and restocking. Member of militia gives young son wooden gun to play with. Exchange troubling. Self father never gave self wooden gun to play with. Self father gave self films to watch. Wonder if life would be different had wooden guns been involved. Perhaps self would maintain gun-based blog instead of film-based blog. Presume gun-based blog would be short lived, if more enjoyable for blog readers. Gun would make self look cool and more like Mel Gibson. Self could be patriot, although occupation would make self liable to die at hands of enraged vengeance-seeking Gibson.
Which self far from willing to do when scene involving exchange of prisoners occurs between head-of-militia Gibson and head-of-evil-Englishmen Tom Wilkinson. Evil Englishman who killed other Gibson boy arrives and tries provoking Gibson. Gibson does expression that Gibson saves only for occasions when Gibson especially angry: looking sleepy whilst promising to commit murder. Wonder if Gibson acting-face caused by Gibson being drunk all the time. Presumably not, because Gibson follows death threat by mounting horse, and it is public knowledge that Gibson never drives either animal nor automated vehicles whilst under influence of toxins.
In tragic slow motion battle with evil Englishman, Ledger finally gets killed. Gibson finds Ledger corpse and breaks down. Roland chooses to fade out on shot of Gibson tearing up, probably to suggest to audience that Gibson grief will never fully dissipate. Eventually, Gibson grief does die down, but only after Gibson sates fiery blood lust on field of battle and tomahawks evil Englishmen through face.
Gibson so good at leading troops that troops build Gibson new house – which was burnt to ground earlier by evil Englishman – so that Gibson can live in house happily ever after with Joely Richardson. Self needs new house. Instead, self parents move all of self stuff out of current house and deposit stuff in storage. Room now as blank as Gibson future CV. Slightly pleased, as now have much more room for Simon Amstell stuff should he choose to move in.