Wake at 9am. In reality, self woke at 10.30am, but typing 9am looks better. Whilst updating blog with Aliens post, self engages in viewing of episode from Aaron Sorkin’s collapsed television show Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Self has taken to revisiting sorely yearned for Sorkin show each morning as high calibre dialogue makes self feel more intelligent for rest of day. Impression of intellect rather undermined by self’s habit of making animal noises whenever stroked on head or baby sounds whenever tickled on tummy which self thinks amusing and almost cute. In reality, self’s behaviour contemptible curious creepiness.

Activity of day easily broken down into three chunks. Firstly, self attends suspenseful readthrough of Nöel Coward play self appearing in at Camden Fringe Festival. Secondly, self attends regular work shift at newly dangerous workplace – fire consumed roof of building near workplace recently, although self was safe as self was off work, instead eating. Thirdly, self attends to self’s father’s work shirts which require ironing. Ironing is self’s favourite sport. Whilst ‘playing’ ironing, self watches second alien sequel directed by David Fincher, Alien³.

For third consecutive time, self is presented with TWO versions of film. Feelings on multiple versions of films self made clear in prior blog post and self doesn’t want to revisit rant as self still annoyed. As usual, self opts for special edition, although Fincher instantly loses points as unlike Ridley Scott and James Cameron, Fincher forgoes explanation of existence of special edition version alongside theatrical version. Fincher immediately regains points by toying with Twentieth Century Fox fanfare, finale of which is ominous shrill surge. Self supporter of any reimaginings of studio logos at beginning of films. Self personal favourite from Kevin Costner mariner revenge saga Waterworld in which Universal logo of globe has ice caps melt and submerge all continents (though in reality, should ice caps melt, by no means would resulting ocean height submerge all land), but self aware that feelings towards Kevin Costner reveal choice of Waterworld as peak instance of credit creativity obvious display of partisanship. To curry favouritism, self decides to imbed YouTube video of other examples of high quality logo lobotomy:

In familiar franchise fashion, film begins with image of stars followed by shot that appears identical to final shot of previous film. However, with typically dark David Fincher flair, by end of credit sequence all Sigourney’s survivor friends from Aliens, including Sigourney’s adopted daughter Newt, are dead. Sigourney crash lands on planet, left for dead herself. From close textual analysis and after in-depth research into alien saga, self thinks that reason for death of crew most likely responsibility of either android or aliens. Since android Henriksen in last alien film extremely likeable, self determines blame on aliens.

Sigourney rescued and removed to hospital bed by team of oxen. Sigourney learns that she has landed on planet of only men. Men all prisoners on planet because men mean. Men all have shaven heads because men mean and shaven heads look intimidating. And because men might contract pubic lice. Sigourney upset by death of Newt. Sigourney demands post-mortem by prison doctor Charles Dance. Self hasn’t seen Charles Dance in years. Charles Dance has fantastic face: stern, authoritative, yet sympathetic. Older version of Charles Dance’s fantastic face proof that Charles Dance has not lost these characteristics despite advancing years:

Charles Dance’s autopsy of Sigourney’s adopted Newt reveals nothing conclusive involving aliens, so self’s earlier formulated theory about what happened between last alien film and Fincher’s alien film seems uncertain. Perhaps Fincher trying to build tension. Tension unfelt by self as self and everybody else knows that everything in alien films is fault of slobber dolphins, and that eventually everything will get blown up and only Sigourney will survive; if others survive as well as Sigourney, then they are sure to be dead within opening credits of next alien movie.

Perhaps sensing this, Fincher focuses more on fact that Sigourney sole female on planet, thus making Sigourney target for sexual innuendo and possibly worse. Prison warden advises Sigourney shave herself all over with hope of avoiding lice and appearing androgynous. Advice useful, as scene with two prison inmates reveals that art of chivalry far from dead of prison planet:

Treat a queen like a whore, and a whore like a queen. Can’t go wrong.

Self certain that if prison inmates confronted by massive alien matriarch from previous film, prison inmates wouldn’t be so crass and lost likely wouldn’t treat massive alien mother like courtesan or leader of monarchy, rather as bringer of death and all unholiness. Unholiness particularly bad on prison planet as inmates all believe God real. Charles S. Dutton acts as prison preacher although for man of cloth he swears inordinately.

Prison warden, preacher Dutton and prison inmates host funeral for Newt. Fincher editing cleverly combining burial of human with birth of alien creature which has been hiding in corpse of ox. Fincher also responsible for best score of alien tetralogy so far. Self aware that Jerry Goldsmith hated Ridley Scott for changing his score on first alien film to more minimalist background noise – which self thinks sensible decision – but self also feels any criticism levelled at James Cameron via use of comparison should be taken advantage of.

Alien lifeform that climbs out of ox egg looks like bloodied anorexic calf. Self knows that if film was Splice instead of Alien³, Adrian Brody would try and have sex with bloodied anorexic calf.

Whilst prison inmate pleases self with horrible rendition of appropriate Zager and Evans song In the Year 2525, Sigourney has sex with Charles Dance. Following alien tetralogy so closely as self has, self knows Sigourney has gone several decades without carnal stimulation. Charles Dance’s fellow prison inmates must somehow sense Sigourney’s breaking of dam as group of them gather greedily around Sigourney as she carries remains of android Henriksen from pile of trash back inside prison compound. Fortunately, preacher Dutton on hand to reeducate prisoners with metal stick, allowing Sigourney to escape and plug Henriksen into power source and learn about what happened before she crash landed on planet prison.

Self’s theory from earlier revealed as alarmingly accurate, although in different manner than self assumed. Aliens totally to blame, but alien lifeform had been on board spaceship for entirety of previous film, put there by company bureaucrats. News comes as shock. Shock turns to feelings of being cheated by franchise. Cheated feelings turn to joy as self realises plot twist invalidates existence of Aliens and by association invalidates James Cameron and Bill Paxton. Lance Henriksen always reliable when self needs reason to smile. (Company bureaucrats putting alien on spaceship in advance of sending spaceship to collect aliens from another planet makes little sense to self. Franchise about aliens beginning to lose believability.)

Self beginning to lose track of what’s happening in film. Paul McGann arrives raving in fashion of counterpart character from other McGann film Withnail & I about seeing dragon. McGann obviously intended ravings about dribble dolphin. Sigourney and Charles Dance enjoy quiet moment together (if audience members ignore McGann raving directly behind them) in which Charles Dance steals film revealing why he’s on prison planet. Self will relay moving story in form of alphabetised meta tags: accident, charles, dance, doctor, drunk, misdiagnosis, patients, prison. Moment ruined by appearance of alien. Alien puts inner mouth protracting jaw into Charles Dance’s skull. Alien snuggles up to Sigourney and self endures flashback to childhood nightmares of poster image that covered Leyton, London throughout summer of 1992:

Sigourney rushes to inform prison warden that alien loose, but prison warden gobbled up before he can fathom situation. Prisoners argue over who should take charge. Argument pointless as obviously alien in charge. Sigourney ultimately elected leader.

In terms of plot activity, Alien³ by far hardest of all alien films to describe. Fincher manages to inexplicably combine multifarious story strands into single thick incomprehensible story rope. For example, Sigourney decides to visit stasis pod. Sigourney never usually enters stasis sleep half way through alien films, only at end of alien films. Sigourney then decides to use stasis pod to do ultrasound. Results of ultrasound bad. Sigourney has alien foetus growing inside her womb. Sex with Charles Dance creates alien babies?! Sigourney suffers mid-natal depression and decides to commit suicide by preacher Dutton.

No, no, no. David Fincher, Sigourney, Paul McGann, self, even Pete Postlethwaite who has been hanging around for entire film without ever being allowed to do anything, everyone has lost plot. Film out of control. Only redeeming aspects of film are occasional (but too occasional to warrant continued comment) Fincher framing flourishes, Charles Dance and Lance “Cameo” Henriksen.

After various occurrences, Sigourney’s suicide pact with herself reaches fruition and she dives into inferno. What the fuck, David Fincher? What’s worse, before Sigourney’s suicide, Fincher brings back human version of Lance Henriksen (who arrived on rescue ship) to encourage Sigourney into alien abortion, as it seems Charles Dance didn’t impregnate Sigourney with alien baby, rather Sigourney was violated somewhere between last alien film and Fincher alien film. So now even image of loveable Lance Henriksen tarnished by Fincher franchise fuck-up. Self tempted to use iron in self’s hand to sear self on face as reminder of experience.

Sigourney dead. Franchise dead. Lance Henriksen alive. Self alive, albeit barely.

Again: what the fuck, David Fincher?

About josh-in-reel-life

Often disgruntled blogger.
This entry was posted in **, 1992 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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