Bad Teacher

Wake (badly) at 9am by noise of lecture about early rising given by teacher father. (Self’s father actually headteacher but word gaming in blog posts often fails to work if self entirely accurate.) (Rethinking occurs whereby self concludes that “Wake [badly] at 9am because of lecture by headteacher father” would have sufficed just as well.) Self has set plan for how to spend Sunday. (Blog posting sometimes occurs several days after blog post experienced in real rather than reel life [self writes in faux present tense] because self [despite posts mostly about self drinking] occasionally busy with life tasks [current life task requires self move out of parents’ house] and drinking.) Self’s plan for God’s day (Sunday) includes self watching highly acclaimed women’s comedyBridesmaids (although highly acclaimed women’s film directed by man [not woman]), hugging self’s mother (as self moving house), leaving parents’ house with possessions (as self moving house), taking possessions to new house (as self moving house), and potentially kissing new flatmates (as self moving to flat not house).

Self’s father (who used to be teacher [not bad teacher – according to Ofsted] but now more like CEO of school) in process of executing his own elaborate Sunday plans, which jar with self’s own. Self’s father (fearlessly and drastically toying with self’s love for father) wants to consume mammoth breakfast (consisting of pork and unhatched birds’ eggs), venture to Wood Green (which self hates), watch Bad Teacher (which self wants to see less than Bridesmaids and Green Lantern), shop (which self does not have time [or money] for [self moving from house to flat]), and indulge in iPad (for which self’s attempting to build application [which self needs time for] but has to move from house to flat first).

Self voices disgruntlement. Self’s father immovable. Self’s father double self’s weight and almost seven feet tall and much cleverer than self so self loses (at time quite physical) battle of wits. (Self would have been more persuasive [if self had weapon] if self wasn’t savagely hungover – self likes to “party” [use of “party” specifically academic as self doesn’t party, self drinks] after work [unacademic work] on Saturday night – fact self’s father knows and enjoys ruthlessly taking advantage of.)

Self arrives at indoor cultural assembly hall (cinema) frightened and wanting school nurse. Nurse unforthcoming from popcorn person. Popcorn person provocatively provides popcorn. Self doesn’t need popcorn. Self needs nurse. Self decides popcorn better than nothing (nurse/paracetamol). Self sits in auditorium of cinema. Cinema unreliable (with respect to self’s emotional wellbeing/vulnerability) as cinema in Wood Green famous for letting (wannabe cultural) terrorists in to set off fireworks during films involving Daniel Craig (true story). Self hates fireworks (unless fireworks in sky looking colourful and pretty or behind Magic Kingdom Castle in Disney World theme park). Self doesn’t want firework in face. Face precious to self (as face not feelings [face is face] and feelings are interchangeable) and could do without repugnant scold mark across face from firework remodelling.

Trailers begin and self calms as terrorists not present. Films mostly star Jason Bateman. Self likes Jason Bateman because Jason Bateman’s voice male (not donkey) modern equivalent of Eeyore. Things always going wrong for Jason Bateman and Eeyore. In one trailer, Jason Bateman’s life gets swapped with life of Ryan Reynolds. Self excited (self would love swapping lives with Ryan Reynolds – perfect face, perfect body, perfect ex [self’s ex almost perfect, but not Scarlett Johansson perfect], perfect comedy timing, perfect etcetera) as surely film opportunity for Jason Bateman to show excitement along with self, but no, Jason Bateman still doing impersonation of living (not animated) Eeyore (notice matching jumpers):

Self feels sorry for Jason Bateman because even when Jason Bateman smiles Jason Bateman looks as if Jason Bateman’s smiling through tears:

But self not in cinema auditorium to feel sympathy for constantly sad Jason Bateman. Self in cinema to watch film (although self liable to fall asleep) about teaching profession starring Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake. Self vaguely interested because self knows Justin and Cameron were once item. Self wants to interrogate acting chemistry given real life romance via skills self learnt (during degree) about textual analysis. Textual analysis extremely complicated academic procedure involving looking at image and describing what is happening. But self thinks non-academics can play analysis game too. Self feeling generous, so self will host brief mid-blog masterclass (film fans should not applicate skills learnt during masterclass to film blog post focussed on [Bad Teacher] as film, whilst not bad, not what teacher would recommend) on how to conduct textual analysis of film screenshot…

Following image is “still” from hit comedy Couples Retreat, starring (among others from cast of Swingers [Jason Bateman does not make appearance in Swingers]) Jason Bateman. Textual analysis can be operated on things other than screenshots from films – such as books – but since most imagery that audiences are exposed to in non-moving picture form comes from “stills” rather than from actual screenshots (films have “stills” photographers specially employed for role [“stills” similar to shots that end up in film, but not same]) self feels “still” more appropriate teaching tool. Here is still:

Firstly, students already know (from reading blog post this far) that Jason Bateman only smiles whilst crying. So students know that Jason Batman’s unhappy in “still”. Looking at image, students can see Jason Bateman has friend. Since Jason Bateman has arm around friend, students can assume Jason Bateman’s sleeping with friend, which makes friend (according to Holy Bible [which self thinks is best novel ever written] which can be refuted as being perfect guidance as how to live but from which most of what humans consider as “law” was taken from) Jason Bateman’s wife. Students can thus quantify Jason Bateman and Jason Bateman’s friend as “couple”, successfully making up non-plural version of film’s title Couples Retreat (which is important as textual analysis of images requires that students derive meaning from images alone, without aid of knowing film titles in advance). Secondly, students will notice that Jason Bateman and (who has now been established as) Jason Bateman’s wife are wearing exactly same clothes. Self has never been married (because self’s own potential wife doesn’t like self [although self quite nice to have around when conversations about romantic comedies happening] and because self’s potential wife prefers kissing people who are not self – which makes wedded bliss difficult to achieve) but self can judge from experience of other married couples (self has attended weddings [although – for record – those weddings were sham weddings] – self likes weddings in same way and for potentially same reason self thinks self likes Bridesmaids) that married couples don’t usually wear matching outfits. Thus students can assume that Jason Bateman and wife must be members of one of following: religious sect/cult/group, prisoners, relaxed military force, prisoners, Buddhist/personal spiritual development group, prisoners. Students will judge from expressions of people in frame that people in frame probably not military. Because door of room open and outside door flowers blooming in sunlight, students can  tell that Jason Bateman and wife not prisoners (even though self attempted misleading students by pushing prisoners forward as likely option by listing word “prisoners” three times) and that location of room probably tropical, meaning location likely tropical, which students can infer as being some form of retreat for couples in trouble. Students will then realise (hopefully with fascination [if teacher has done job properly] similar to seeing film starring Steven Seagal that finds release in cinemas) that they have dissected second part of film’s title: “retreat”.

Thusly work of media dissection arrives at completion.

Trailers for films end and actual film begins. Cameron Diaz bad at being person (not teaching) because Cameron Diaz swears a lot, only likes monied men, doesn’t care about others’ feelings and will break various laws in pursuit of career furtherance. Cameron Diaz bad at career (teaching) because Cameron Diaz only shows films in class (although self likes that all films are films about teaching [Too Sir, With LoveDangerous Minds,Freedom Writers]).

Cameron Diaz gets dumped by monied man. Cameron Diaz needs money. Cameron Diaz learns that teacher with highest test results gets large financial reward. Cameron Diaz up against near-perfect-at-being-teacher-but-otherwise-hugely-unlikeable Lucy Punch. Justin Timberlake arrives. Justin Timberlake presumed by self to be awesome in film. Justin Timberlake instead just annoying, but annoying because character annoying, so Justin Timberlake doing acting job fairly well. (B- Timberlake.)

Cameron Diaz vies for Justin Timberlake’s affections because Justin Timberlake monied. Jason Segel vies for Cameron Diaz’s affections because Cameron Diaz hot. Jason Segel far cooler than everybody else in film, and far funnier, so Jason Segel receives B+.

Ultimately, Cameron Diaz gets most of what she wants, but in process of doing so doesn’t really ever stop being bad at teaching. Self thinks this may be why film entitled Bad Teacher. Lucy Punch consistently funny, and playing awful character, so Lucy Punch wins gold star and class’/cast’s highest grade: A-. Cameron Diaz carries film well, but Cameron Diaz also representative of people who made film so receives grade C as warning.

Bad Teacher not as good as Bad Santa/Lieutenant/Boys but badder (in colloquial meaning of word) than Bad Boys II/News Bears/Company/Girls from MarsBad Teacher serving (limited) purpose, but self watched film under duress, as self had to watch film in detention at school (self hated detention at school, but found self continually invited to attend).

Self leaves cinema and punishes self’s father by making him purchase cutesy Paddington Bear coaster for self’s new flat. Self ends up moving from house to flat on following Monday. Self’s father hopefully guilty. Self’s father hopefully sad that self leaving flat. Self pleased. Self feels student has become teacher.

Class dismissed.

About josh-in-reel-life

Often disgruntled blogger.
This entry was posted in ***, 2011 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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