JCVD

Wake at 9.30am show-worn and sweat-drained after week of rioting (self obviously wasn’t part of riots [since self prefers stealing hearts rather than plasma screen televisions], but self was caught near riots [since self lives in Peckham]) and performing in Noël Coward’s revisionist history lesson Peace in our Time. Self received positive feedback for performance in show but positive feedback not money, so self unable to spend week gloating in manner of confident squirrel who has more nuts/plasma screen televisions than other squirrels, so self must instead go to Walthamstow Job Centre to request Job Seekers Allowance. 

Embarrassment minimal as self interviewed for free money by charming grandmother Debra who made self feel at home. Self fears getting over comfortable inside Job Centre bad for business opportunities. Self phones self’s father for direction. Self’s father directs self to KFC to purchase comfort bird pieces fried to dripping perfection. Self fears getting comfortable inside chicken chain hateful towards heart rate. Self phones self’s father for further direction. Self’s father directs self to taxi stand where family vehicle waiting for self.

Back at childhood home, self’s mother waiting for hug. Self willingly obliges, even though self hasn’t eaten all day and in hand self not using to hug self’s mother is entire bucket of chicken. Self feels situation proof of self’s love for mother.

Self and self’s father sink into large green leather couches and begin viewing of The Green Hornet. Self aware that blog entry title and blog entry poster featuring image of Jean-Claude Van Damme suggests that blog entry most likely about film starring Jean-Claude Van Damme rather than lacklustre disappointment and hopefully-not-beginning-of-franchise film starring thinned down Seth Rogen. Of late, after elongated hiatus from blogosphere, self has decided not to blog about every single film self watches. Self now prefers to make entries about films self feels strongly about, one way or other way. In case of The Green Hornet self feels disappointment. Not strong disappointment, but unsurprised disappointment. Self annoyed (not strongly annoyed, but slightly annoyed) with insistence of Seth Rogen deciding to write screenplays with friends. Seth Rogen occasionally funny, but not consistently funny. Seth Rogen terrible at structure. Structure not so important in funnier film Superbad, since Superbad film about nothing, but structure important for superhero film. So self will not write entire blog entry about The Green Hornet. Self will include poster for good measure.

After film, self’s father forces self to sit through several Blu-Ray extra features as self’s father feels purchase of expensive Blu-Ray disc pointless otherwise. Extra features provide further evidence in support of self’s long held notion that Seth Rogen enjoys making and watching Seth Rogen films more than anyone else.

Tiring experience of Seth Rogen film combined with disappointment in Christoph Waltz for post-Inglourious Basterds career choices combined with weight of bucket of chicken in stomach creates psychological anchor meaning movement unworkable. Literally crawling towards small Blu-Ray cupboard at back of parents’ living room, self reaches for first available film. First film self picks up: JCVD. Self remembers making self’s father buy film as self had seen trailer for film in 2008 and thought film interesting, as film named after star of film Jean-Claude Van Damme, and self’s father without argument against purchase as film priced £4.

Self already convinced experience better than The Green Hornet when song embedded below begins over DVD/Blu-Ray menu:

Self’s father helpfully advises that song called Modern Love and originally performed by David Bowie. Further research using iTunes informs self that cover version of song performed by Marie Mazziotti, who’s available for weddings in Manhattan.

Long term/suffering readers of blog will know that self has tendency to give away endings of films. One such occasion self fears old-flatmate Tom will never truly forgive self for: self’s Toy Story 3 post. Such “spoilers” are about to occur below, but self feels continued reading worth reader’s time as plot of film fairly flimsy and real importance of film on separate meta-filmic plain.

Premise of film: Jean-Claude Van Damme (JCVD), 47, having career and familial crises. JCVD not getting parts in films because Steven Seagal getting parts instead. JCVD has no money. JCVD in similar situation to self except JCVD has hard body and self has soft form. JCVD goes to post office to get money. Post office empty and cashier refuses JCVD money. JCVD gets angry. JCVD sees CCTV cameras and apologises, thinking JCVD being on CCTV means JCVD actually on Candid Camera. Instead JCVD suddenly hit in face with gun and pushed into room with several other hostages as post office being held up by gunmen. But outside world all think JCVD is holding up post office. Action ensues.

After consideration, self will not spoil ending of film. Ending pretty good. But in middle of film, when JCVD’s sitting quietly in chair in post office, moment of pure cinematic perfection occurs. Self will post video below. Video fairly lengthy but worth every passing second.

Self feels analysis of video redundant. But… Self feels monologue (which JCVD improvised) comparable to John Osborne play The Entertainer, film version of which featured Sir Laurence Olivier delivering line

Look at these eyes. I’m dead – behind these eyes. I’m dead.

in similar tired clown manner to JCVD. Self did not think self would ever use medium of blog to announce comparison between legendary star of Hamlet Sir Laurence Olivier to laughed at star of Bloodsport Jean-Claude Van Damme. But comparison truly earned.

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About josh-in-reel-life

Often disgruntled blogger.
This entry was posted in ***, 2008 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to JCVD

  1. Selfs mum says:

    I read this to dad and laughed out loud at several bits, thanks for the hug even though you were keen for chicken.

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