This Means War

Wake at 9am after night spent dreaming rather explicitly homoerotic dreams. Self often dreams such dreams, but dreams typically feature hardbodies such as Ryan Reynolds, Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson (who count as fair game), rather than real life people self has met and interacted with. Self therefore requiring strong dose of man-who-likes-womaness to avoid spiral into massive lifestyle sidestep that would give self’s father cardiac injury. This Means War has guns and woman and word war on poster. Self punches wall and pours tankard of bear blood as self read in academic heterosexual man journal Zoo Magazine that such rituals make man more heterosexual. 

Self also faintly interested to see how film deals with difficult hybrid genre of romantic action comedy, or, actromedy, or romactedy, or comactromedy. Actromedies more often bad than good. After over year of deep consideration, self will concede Tom Cruise/Cameron Diaz actromedy Knight and Day probably not as good as self pretended to friends. Evidence available in rather loose review of film in earlier blog post. Self obviously blinded by fetishistic admiration for Tom Cruise. Given self’s new career as heterosexual beefcake, self will no longer be driven to distraction by multi-talented male stars of silver screen, even if one particular star has perfectly chiselled features despite half century of existence, with flowing brown locks that shine when sunlight casts heavenly glow over features that make self imagine immortality possible, and teeth whiter than foam of perfect surf on tropical island – where self would die to run naked with man whose body perhaps made in image of Norse God…

Self takes fifteen minute personal break before continuing actromedy rumination. Self scrolls through history of self’s blog and stumbles unhappily upon entry for Hugh Grant film Did You Hear About the Morgans? Film technically in actromedy genre, though other suitable genre for film disaster movie, or given appearance of Sarah Jessica Parker, horse whisperer documentary. Other actromedies include Ashton Kutcher mess Killers, Gerard Butler mistake The Bounty Hunter (which self hated as self didn’t watch film with ex-flatmate Johnny), and Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie home-made sex tape Mr and Mrs Smith. Self concludes that no credible actromedies made this millennium. Then self remembers Date Night. Self blogged about Date Night and thought Date Night alright. In comparison to other actromedies, Date Night six-star masterpiece. So This Means War has little to live up to.

Tom Hardy and Captain Kirk both want to date Reese Witherspoon. Tom Hardy nice, but divorced with kid. Captain Kirk sleezebag, but wears leather jacket. Hardy and Kirk work for C.I.A. Witherspoon works as product testing engineer. Everyone ludicrously wealthy.

Hardy and Kirk create competition to see who can make heterosexual love (romance genre) to Witherspoon first. Hardy and Kirk put into action (action genre) several outrageously illegal enterprises to steal Witherspoon’s favour. Self realises that comedy aspect of actromedy-genre film absent. Self also aware that film not making self feel like heterosexual beefcake: Witherspoon excruciatingly annoying and Hardy being adorable and Captain Kirk’s blue eyes sparkling like diamonds.

Self suspects authorities might catch Hardy and Kirk abusing C.I.A. privileges, put Hardy and Kirk in jail, and remainder of film enjoyably comedic jail-buddy film. One of Captain Kirk’s C.I.A. slaves brings up possibility to Captain Kirk. Captain Kirk replies with two words that have brought death to countless humans: “Patriot Act.”

Witherspoon calls Kirk shallow so Kirk gets pet dog that Kirk in no position to care for. Witherspoon calls Hardy soft, so Hardy goes all hardy boys and commits grievous bodily harm to several children at paintballing game. Witherspoon impressed. Self hopeful that Hardy and Kirk will realise how personality-debilitating Witherspoon is, throw caution to wind, and start kissing each other. Self realises two men kissing not fantasy of heterosexual beefcake. Self turns up volume of film and eats raw pig flesh for lunch.

Witherspoon decides to have righteous heterosexual naked body tango with Hardy and Kirk. Hardy and Kirk agree to abstain as part of heinous “gentlemen’s agreement”. Kirk does naked body tango anyway, but feels bad, so watches Titanic. Film finally going in direction self can get on board with. Kirk has moment of disbelief where he feels he has become too sensitive and so must be in love with Witherspoon. Kirk partly blames Titanic. Self not happy. Titanic great sea-based love story. But wait… Titanic inappropriate film for self to like on Facebook since self now bear-blood drinking beefcake. Self cracks self’s copy of Titanic DVD with bare hands and does squat thrusts.

Film reaches climax when Witherspoon kidnapped in automobile by generic foreign terrorist and Hardy and Kirk join forces to protect her. Back at C.I.A. building one of Captain Kirk’s slaves notes that they’re all headed to certain freeway. Another slave says line that is requisite in all part-action genre films: “But that freeway is incomplete!”

Witherspoon is confronted by large scattering truck at edge of incomplete freeway. Captain Kirk more enterprising than Hardy because of experience as commander of starship and sadly saves Witherspoon from messy death. Witherspoon picks Kirk, but all fine as Hardy’s wife interested again as Hardy cool – if renegade – C.I.A. spy.

Kirk and Hardy hug and self can’t help but give in to desire to see Hardy and Kirk kiss passionately and push Witherspoon off edge of incomplete freeway.

Self decides that This Means War need not be compared with other actromedies as film lacking in third essential element of hybrid genre: comedy. Action element foggy, as only three action scenes, whereas Die Hard one extended action scene. Romance element also foggy, as self doesn’t think that stalking via satellite technology to see who can get Witherspoon on love swing first very romantic, and any film claiming romance would not sass Titanic: Love Actually openly endorses Titanic in way good love film should.

Feeling of emptiness and nostalgia for previous night’s dreams – when self was sleeping instead of watching stupid spy film – lead self to question attempt at heterosexual manliness. Watching film has caused self to suffer inner war. Inner war worsens when credit sequence bursts onto screen stating that diabolical genre-less film directed by childhood hero McG.

McG responsible for directing most beautiful film ever made: Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle. Self didn’t believe in true beauty until self watched Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle. Now self has to deal with changing feelings towards McG as well as changing feelings towards self. Self needs consolation, but broken DVD of Titanic sunk in spilled clotted bear’s blood. Laptop kepboard covered in shredded raw pig skin. Recollections of beauty concerning Charlie’s Angel 2: Full Throttle brutally eviscerated. Potential for happy life as heterosexual beefcake uncertain at best. All fault of This Means War. This means war.

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About josh-in-reel-life

Often disgruntled blogger.
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